Mara

I wish all life's posts could be about loved ones, trips, and happiness, but as we all know too well, life can be filled with darkness. And this is one of those posts. We had been trying for a while to have our last and final baby- with 3 IVFs and a lot of praying. After the 3rd IVF, an egg stuck- which was quite a miracle because my previous egg retrievals didn't look so great. I was nervous that I wouldn't have any "healthy" eggs... but my last round of drugs did just the trick and we were able to get 4-6 "amazing" embryos which made our doctor grin!

So- away we went and implanted 1 (because although my chances dropped to the super low chances of 18% percent of implantation), I just couldn't wrap my head around twins.

Two weeks later, our family was driving to a ski trip and the office called me- put me on speaker phone and cheered that I was pregnant! They are the most amazing office EVER (can't say enough good things about them).

It was a miracle. We were so excited.

My ultrasounds were all miracles. If you have been through infertility or miscarriages, you know all too well the feeling of sadness, shock, numbness that comes when you don't see a heartbeat. Every ultrasound I went to I tried to distance myself emotionally as best I could in order to protect myself from what I had experienced 5 times beforehand. It really really sucks.

But- each ultrasound, this baby was kicking and alive and well. Another miracle.

Could this be our baby that we felt we were missing? Is she the answer to our prayers? Is this really going to happen?

Unfortunately, this is when it just wasn't meant to be. At 20 weeks, our dear baby Mara died. She was beautiful, and I delivered her. She was perfect and so very small. But, had her fingers, toes, eyes... it is an absolute miracle. I miss her even though I don't even know her. We saw so much of Emilie in her- it was heartbreaking to say the least.

Life is not fair. This time was very sad for us, and I am so grateful for the people that reached out and hugged us during this time, for the stories I heard of other amazing women who have gone through similar or worse experiences. I can't say that there is a silver lining in this story other than I have learned empathy like I never would have before. I now understand when someone tells me they have experienced a loss. I guess I can say that my heart has grown deeper, which I am grateful for, to be sure. But, I miss her and feel like she was going to be a part of our family.

We are very nervous/anxious about the future. We are old! We are tired! Why on earth would anyone want more than three children? It is ludicrous! I want to rev up my career again! Enjoy my three children that I have! These thoughts are alive and well, but we may try 1 more time and then call it a day and say that we gave it the good fight! Because that is all that you can do. One.day.at.a.time.