Going though old pics...

Steve has been out of town, and I have really enjoyed just being with the girls. Driving to preschool, watching swimming lessons, going to the park, talking with friends... has been my highlights of this week. It has been so therapeutic and they give me so much energy. They really are one of the biggest blessings of my life.

Every night, I've been trying to organize. Yesterday, I organized my closet and finally threw out those shirts that have been in the "but, I might wear them once" pile. I really won't wear them- so there is more use for them at GoodWill.

Tomorrow is the girls' closet. A bigger nightmare, but someone's got to do it.

Today, I started organizing photos. I have photos everywhere. And, you think I would have organized them in a better way, but no. They are everywhere and it is going to be an enormous headache...but a huge bonus is reliving some past moments. I never posted one of our last days in Paris.

We went to Disneyland Paris- which was far from the happiest place on earth. If you ever want to go there, please talk to me first. It's not worth it.

But- there was a memorable gem in the day. Although it took 2 hours to get to her, Maddie met Cinderella. Before I had kids, I wouldn't blink once at this, but when you have a young girl... this is pretty big. She was nervous/excited/couldn't control her emotions...she wasn't quite sure what to say to her. But, this is how the events unfolded:

Cinderella talked with her for seriously 5 minutes. I was really interested to hear what Maddie had to say. But, when she came back I said "Maddie, what did she say, what did you guys talk about?" She just stood there star glazed. "Maddie what did you talk about?" Silence. "Maddie, Maddie, Maddie?"

Really cute.

No easy way to say it

It has been a while since I've posted... and I really don't know how to start. But, you have to start somewhere, right?

The day after coming back from France, I heard that my mom was really sick... and I immediately booked a trip to Miami where she was with her family. A couple of days later she passed away.

The details of those last days were horrible... and really, the last 10 years were pretty bad as well. She suffered a lot from a combination of mental and physical disease... and I know that she is in a better place...without the suffering of this world. But, it is still devastatingly hard.

Luckily, death has been something so foreign to me. I really knew nothing of what it would feel like. I never thought I would lose my mom so young, or that she would die so young. It really does seem like a dream.

The day of her death, I couldn't stop crying. But, because there was so much "busy work" to do, the next couple of days I walked around calling funerals, signing papers, choosing inscriptions... trying to be helpful, but not registering it all. It is a surreal experience.

I know that this is going to be a long process...but it is so sad. I miss her calling on the phone. I read her handwriting on all of my children's books. I hear Maddie asking about Grandma... I talk to my dad who is so very lonely. It is very hard.

But, and there is always a but, right? But... there has been silver linings. And many tender blessings. And, an opening in my soul that I have never had.

I do believe this is why we are here on this earth. To learn and to grow... and sometimes you can't grow without being pushed to your outer limits. Close friends have been sending me quotes or articles to read which have been extremely uplifting. Here is my favorite today:

“Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Proverbs 3:11-12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain . . . .Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son loves you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love.” Richard G. Scott

Anyway, I really didn't understand what people meant when they said... just take it a day at a time, or an hour at a time. Now I do. I'm taking it at that pace.