No easy way to say it

It has been a while since I've posted... and I really don't know how to start. But, you have to start somewhere, right?

The day after coming back from France, I heard that my mom was really sick... and I immediately booked a trip to Miami where she was with her family. A couple of days later she passed away.

The details of those last days were horrible... and really, the last 10 years were pretty bad as well. She suffered a lot from a combination of mental and physical disease... and I know that she is in a better place...without the suffering of this world. But, it is still devastatingly hard.

Luckily, death has been something so foreign to me. I really knew nothing of what it would feel like. I never thought I would lose my mom so young, or that she would die so young. It really does seem like a dream.

The day of her death, I couldn't stop crying. But, because there was so much "busy work" to do, the next couple of days I walked around calling funerals, signing papers, choosing inscriptions... trying to be helpful, but not registering it all. It is a surreal experience.

I know that this is going to be a long process...but it is so sad. I miss her calling on the phone. I read her handwriting on all of my children's books. I hear Maddie asking about Grandma... I talk to my dad who is so very lonely. It is very hard.

But, and there is always a but, right? But... there has been silver linings. And many tender blessings. And, an opening in my soul that I have never had.

I do believe this is why we are here on this earth. To learn and to grow... and sometimes you can't grow without being pushed to your outer limits. Close friends have been sending me quotes or articles to read which have been extremely uplifting. Here is my favorite today:

“Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Proverbs 3:11-12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain . . . .Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son loves you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love.” Richard G. Scott

Anyway, I really didn't understand what people meant when they said... just take it a day at a time, or an hour at a time. Now I do. I'm taking it at that pace.